Deadpool - 8 / 10You saw a bullet create a hole in my other hole so you thought my movie is worth watching, right ?
Oh wait, you may be wondering why the Deadpool narrative review, but that's because I like it and it sounds fancy! How do I usually start a review with? The storyline, right ? Well my movie doesn't have a great story to deal with. Like those other Marvel films, yes I’m talking about the Wolverine movies, I hunt the ones who gave me super powers and get back my girl. But stop! I got a better love story here and my audience won't get to feel the “love” completely. Now, I'll be honest, the plot is a pretty straight-forward revenge story. It's very simple and easy to follow. It doesn't do anything new in that department as it is an origin story as you needed to know how I was born, right ? You would think jumping from place to place, flashback to flashback would confuse you and many other people, but it doesn't because I’m hilarious dammit and Ryan made sure of this. Sure, I know that you all saw my Red Band Trailer (several times, mostly for the blood and music) so you might have got an idea of what kind of “superhero” I am. Since my creators and publishers have allowed me to break the fourth wall in my great movie, and even regenerate my body parts, you could say I’m a bit rambunctious. And I truly am. You can’t imagine what it means to completely regenerate my whole body! Sorry my mind wondered. Back to my movie, I know that you just want to see blood spurt in slow motion and my sharp blades eviscerating everything and everyone, so don’t worry, Tim Miller has packed a lot of cool stuff to keep you guys interested. But be aware – I’m not the type of superhero who protects the city; I’m neither a watchful guardian, nor a genius, billionaire, playboy, whatever. When you step into the theaters and wait for the commercials to end, right from the opening credits (and I’ll talk more about this bellow), you stay entertained, even after the credit ends and I ask you to leave. Storywise, before I became the violent, wise-cracking super-anti-jerk-hero named Deadpool, Wade Wilson (that’s my human name, but I’m sure you knew) was just a violent, wise-cracking neighborhood spidey tough guy for hire. And apparently I only had one friend, the big mouth bartender Weasel (TJ Miller in this case). But then I meet the hooker/waitress Vanessa (played by Morena Baccarin) and my whole world bended over. Since we both had a messy life, a big mouth (wink) and a sharp temper, we were just perfect for each other. The rest of the story you can understand from the trailer, so go watch it again. Did I mentioned that I troll almost everyone I know in this ? Most superheroes and even that once “failed” super hero dude, Ryan Reynolds. What. A. Looser ! I guess it’s time to enter performance side of the review. So this Reynolds dude is the show stealer of my movie. He’s “like super hot” and has a great voice and I approve his brilliant portrayal of me – I really hope you guys are reading this in his voice! Or at least trying. Without him narrating, my movie wouldn't have been so awesome and I’m pretty sure that this role will patch his career from now on. The other guys don’t really matter but some of them did a really good job. Morenna Baccarin looked pretty hot and aside some sexy scenes and puns, she was a really good damsel in distress. Oh, and Ed Skrein was pretty awesome when he had a blade sticking out of his left shoulder. TJ Miller had a couple of juicy extra scenes (that will be seen on the extra DVD) and you can also see some of the funny one in all the trailers, combined. So, earlier I mentioned the opening credits. Well they were fucking awesome, right ? And since I like hearing myself speak (in this case, hearing myself write…) in this opening scene we see a single moment frozen in time – the inside and outside of an SUV as it flips over on a busy highway. In slow motion, off course. Because how fun it is to have a slow motion moment in a frozen scene, right ? So, in this slow motion, the camera travels through the vehicle, focusing on the precarious and humorous positions of several bad (and stupid) guys who have gone all over the place because of the crash. As we travelling through this continuously bizarre montage, the only thing we hear is 1981 hit song of Juice Newton, “Angel of the Morning” and on this awesome rollercoaster ride, we also see the movie’s opening credits with awesome references to the actors and other people, with phrases like “Starring God's Perfect Idiot”, “A Hot Chick”, “A British Villain”, “A CGI Character” and even “Produced by Asshats” or “Directed by an Overpaid Tool”. And that’s fucking hilarious and unique, right ? Right ? Basically, all the action sequences are glorious, engaging and entertaining and they appeal both visually and violently. The CGI effects are sturdy, my eyes and expressions included, and the action sequences are, as I said before, pretty fucking awesome. Small in scale (because of their budget, as the pricks from 20th century fox did not believe in me) but nevertheless, very fun. And the OST was hand picked by yours truly. Just awesome energy pumping music. I saw in the theater how crazy you went when I walked in slow motion on “X Gon Give it to Ya”. Basically, the whole sound editing was technically brilliant. Oh, and how about Shoop from the Salt-N-Pepa ? Awesome, right ? I know you left the theater singing this old tune. You guys are still reading this ? Ah, you’re waiting for the end piece, right ? Hmm, if you really wanna see a different kinda superhero, I mean, super awesome dude in red suit, splicing bad guys, go get your tickets, don’t just wait for the torrent version. It’s the only way you will enjoy this super awesome movie, next to random people. And get lots of laugh out of it. Go ! Go !
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